primed (primed) wrote in tex_librarians,

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An Armadillo's view of Texas higher education

As much of the time there is truth in humor (even poor and non-PC humor), I had to post this item originally from inviatorplustax

I live in a town where you stand out if you don't have a purple Mohawk, facial piercing chained to nipple piercing, a homosexual lover, or hang out at the Magnolia Cafe. More people go to my school than live in Australia. I honestly believe that Ricky Williams is a god. I also really hate Chris Simms. I am open-minded and spiritually in tune - except towards people who are closed minded and spiritually out of tune. Liberal women with armpit hair are cool. You can see my dorm from Chicago for it is as tall as Florida would be if it stood up. I protest everything - except protests. I am a gold card carrying member of Amnesty International. I am openly bi-curious.
I am a Longhorn.

I live in a town the size of a piece of bacteria on a fly's ass. I spend Friday nights practicing my yells. I can whoop better than anyone can in my battalion. I beat up faggots, fish, and hunt for fun. If I'm not yelling, drinking with my battalion, or beating up faggots for fun, I am at the Dixie Chicken. My father went to school here, just as his father did before him, and his father before him. My brother went to t.u. They never found his body after he came home that first Christmas in college. I won't walk on the grass. I look forward to the day I, too, will do the elephant walk. I believe it is cool to do something because they tell me it is tradition. If something is not a tradition and we accidentally do it, we then make it one. I can call UT t.u. if I want.
I am an Aggie.

I live by homeless vagrants, whom I turn my nose up to. I look just like everyone else at my school. The NoZe Brothers are the coolest thing since khakis and sandals. I have a leather Abercrombie and Fitch Bible cover. I have an Abercrombie and Fitch everything. I can coordinate outfits and ensembles better than anyone in my upscale apartment complex. I have a radar that lets me know where the closest ATM is. If I can't find one it's okay. I have ten credit cards all of which are billed to my parents. My town is so conservative that anyone who kisses on the mouth before three years of marriage is drug through the center of town, stoned, and hung to death. I like me. I should be an underwear model.
I am a Bear.

I worked my butt off in high school to get in here and am fully paying for my expensive education with scholarships, or else my Mommy and Daddy went here and they're paying for it all and I only got in because they both made some calls. We're the oldest institution of higher learning in the state, yet we've always sucked at football. Its ok, we're just paying our way to be in the Big 12. The only teams that win anything are the baseball team and women's lacrosse but even that’s a little too dyke-ish for the rest of the Baptist General Convention. We tell our parents we go to church on Sunday mornings, but really we all get up, get dressed and go to IHOP. Our veins are pumped of Dr. Pepper and we're always wearing a school shirt that some frat or club or dance or 11 o'clock MWF class made. And mandatory Chapel? What is this, communism? It's ok though I guess; I only came here to find a spouse; however it's harder than I thought with the visitation hours being 1 pm to 6 pm every day, so I just date one hall at a time. I go to Baylor, where a '95 silver Accord is actually considered the nicest car driven by a faculty member and the ghetto-est car driven by a student. I am a Bear.

I live on a piece of dirt so flat that we call the four degree incline at the intersection of 19th and Brownfield "the Big Hill". I get dirt in my eyes, hair, and teeth when I walk to class. I can out drink anyone from any other school because that is what we do best. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm I'm high. I can't buy beer within 50 miles of where I live - so I trek to the strip, which my friends and I all consider a true paradise on Earth. I don't go to many football games. I don't go to any organizational meetings. I don't really go to anything. Not even class. I like the fact that Will Rogers' horse's ass points to College Station. I fry cow balls. I know where Buddy Holly used to live. I am desperately trying to find a rival within our conference to make fun of. Our football players get caught by the NCAA. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm, I'm high. But I'm usually drunk by 4:30pm. Or I'm high. And what the hell is that smell?
I am a Red Raider.

Who Cares?.......Where is that anyway?
Okay, I found out where UNT is. Apparently, it's in Denton, which is a college town like Lawrence, Ann Arbor, or Tuscaloosa, except that Denton sucks in every way possible. If I live on campus, it's because I went to high school in Arlington or Plano or Lewisville (or any Dallas suburb) but didn't get into UT or A&M. If I commute, that means I attend school with half of my graduating class, who also commute from Lewisville. I tell everyone that the music program is the best in the nation, just to give the school a little credibility. We have two nicknames, the "Eagles" and the "Mean Green." We got into a bowl game by going 6-5 even without the stellar quarterbacking skills of Marcus state champion Spencer Stack. Fry Street is the coolest place ever, but if I ever visited Guadalupe in Austin, I realize how much Fry really sucks.
I'm an Eagle. Or I'm mean and green. Whatever.

I am in a fraternity or sorority of course. I drive a big-ass Tahoe (if I'm a guy), a BMW (if I'm less of a guy), or a Land Rover (if I'm a girl). If I pass all my classes then Daddy said he would buy me that little condo on Hulen next semester. I used to wear my diamonds and heels for football games, but things have changed. Now it's a purple tube top with my Louis Vuitton handbag. School spirit! Anyone and everyone goes to the Pub during the week or Snookies on Sundays. We are having a J. Crew built in the bookstore next year and our send-home credit cards apply at ALL times and locations. Where the girls' hair is as fake as their tans. The freshman 15 means nothing more to me than a new wardrobe. Where the girl to guy ratio is 4 to 1; where the girls are girls, and so are the guys.
I'm a Frog.

See the listing for Texas Christian University above...change 'Hulen' to 'Mockingbird'.
I'm a Mustang.

We are Baylor times TCU to the third power. I have more money than you could ever dream about. Abercrombie and Fitch? I don't think so, my line is strictly custom made from Gucci. The Galleria? I think I own it, or most of it at least. My idea of a good time is traveling down Mockingbird in my 2003 BMW, Mercedes, Hummer, Range Rover, or whichever of my cars I decide to drive; either I'm on my way to my $700k condo, or to my fraternity or sorority house that has dues higher than your college's tuition. Our football team? Oh it's okay they suck, they are all real cute, and their daddies own Fortune 500 companies. A&M and UT? My family would have died if I had ever considered one of those to educate me. Don't worry, just because Baylor has more net worth than SMU doesn't mean my mom and dad don't have more net worth than Baylor. Where the girls are Barbies and the boys are Kens, there's only room for Greeks and the gorgeous. Have great fear for I am a Mustang.

I am drunk or having sex right now. I went to class once. That about sums it up.
I am a Lumberjack.

I work all day or all night. I attend school part-time. I'm trying to get a degree, any degree, to help get a decent job. I live with my parents, and spend as little time on campus as possible. Football games?? You mean we have a football team??? When I say my school is in an urban setting, I'm serious. In the shadows of the fourth largest city in the U.S., right in one of the most crime ridden Wards of the Bayou City. I hate Texas, A&M, and any other big school because they get a real degree. I wish I hadn't flunked out when I was attending a real school.
I'm a Cougar.

I tried to get into a real school, but couldn't. I spend most weekends tubing down the river in New Braunfels drunk and/or high and naked, or getting drunk and acting like an idiot in Luckenbach.
I'm a Bobcat.

a few updates...
We are now called Texas State University because we want to pretend we are a big school like UT or A&M by taking out the "southwest" part. Oh yeah, San Marcos sucks unless you are a cheerleader, apparently they are national champions, so you have to party in Austin or San Antonio. We USED to be the ..1 party school in the nation, or at least that's what people in Texas think. Who's heard of SWT anywhere but Texas? Why would the Princeton Review even care? We are still the Bobcats, but our mascot is a "Supercat." Whatever.

I am a big time band nerd. My favorite hobby is playing with my instrument. There are no attractive people at my school because we're all band geeks. At night, my flute is my best friend. I'm studying music so that I can become a licensed band geek leader and warp the minds of future generations. Who the hell spells cat with a 'k'? We do.
I'm a Bearkat. What the hell is a Bearkat, anyway?

I am a roper (kicker). My life revolves around bovines and sheep, and I like studying "animal husbandry", if you know what I mean. I either wear Wranglers that cut the circulation off to my unit, or Rockies that give me a major camel toe. I have a belt buckle the size of a dinner plate. My favorite beer is Coors Lite. I have a gun rack in the back of my pickup, which is a diesel with dual wheels, and all my friends call me 'Bubba' or'JimBob'. We're part of the A&M family...barely.
I am a Texan.

I go to school here because I am on an athletic scholarship or I live right around the corner. I live in a town of 8,000 and Wal-Mart used to be the hangout until it started closing at 10. I hang out at the Sig Barn every weekend. If I'm not a Greek, then I'm not cool. We are a very diverse school. Our football team is TERRIBLE and they blame it on the coaches. All of our sports stink except women's soccer. We have our own ranch just down the road. You must travel 15 miles to the next town to eat at a real restaurant. We consider ourselves the greatest teacher school because our name was once East Texas Teacher College.
I am a Lion.

Man, am I the quintessential geek.I like playing Dungeons and Dragons, reading fantasy novels, and Magic: The Gathering. I played in the high school orchestra. I live in one of the biggest cesspools in Texas. My favorite activities are watching my Chia Pet, playing N64, talking with my friends about dead languages, sleeping with people like me, and pretending that my school is the best in Texas.
I am a Kangaroo.

More on AC provided by Voorn Project fan Meggin!
I am or once was a pre-med. O-chem kicked my ass, and A&P kicked my ass and told me which bones it broke doing it. I can yell from one side of campus and be clearly seen and heard 2 blocks down on the other side. At one point or another I have been on the model UN team, or had a close personal friend that was. I'm from the Metroplex, and go back every weekend. I live in the middle of the worst ghetto in Texas, and I think I'm at the smartest school in the state. Aramark poisons me every day for 6 bucks a meal, and at sporting events when we're getting our butts kicked, if anyone shows up, we yell "at least we have a future" and "our GPA's higher than yours!"
I am a Kangaroo.

There's something about Austin College that gets its students all worked's some more:
When I tell people I go to Austin College, they say "Oh, Austin Community College.. Austin's a great town." When I tell them it's in Sherman, they ask why it's not in Austin, and why in the world I go there. I don't have a good answer. I put myself into $50,000 worth of debt to go to a school that no one has ever heard of, but at least I can use big words. I am in a fraternity or sorority, as we have one for gays, fat people, or obnoxious Christians. We have, without a doubt, the ugliest students in Texas. We pull in our money from old white Presbyterian guys who we have fooled into thinking we have high moral standards. And don't even get me started about the hellhole that is Sherman. But at least the stinky mayonnaise factory closed.
I am a Kangaroo.

My degree is the equivalent of a degree from La Petite....I wish I could have been a Longhorn.

I'm a girl, of course. I go school in a worthless, dried-up oil town where there are 3 girls for every guy who wanted to go to SMU or TCU but couldn't get in. Daddy sent me here to meet my rich Christian husband. Even though I'm 23, I can't drink since that's an evil sin although I have been of age for 2 years now. Sometimes I'll get high at night and pray that I will someday escape this mini-TCU and marry my boyfriend who's wasting away at Tech two hours away.
I'm a Wildcat.

I live in a town so Mexican that we cancel classes at 3:00 pm every day to take a siesta. My parents have money. I'm in a fraternity or sorority. Dorks are allowed. I was really smart in high school. I was kind of weird too. Our mascot is the Tiger because everything else in Texas was taken. I watch football games from my dorm balcony. Far West is the place to be. I don't steal because I own everything. I have had my SUV here at school since my freshman year. I have a papasan chair in my room. My tuition is so high that both grandfathers had to go fight for more GI Bills to pay for it. I probably have a scholarship too. I'm not originally from Texas. Who is the governor of Texas right now? I will probably move to the mid-west after graduation. Longhorns are slackers. What's an Aggie? Sea World? We have a Sea World?? I went to Six Flags Fiesta my senior year when I visited the school. Haven't been back since. I've tried drugs but never got hooked. Homosexuality is way okay. I used to be Presbyterian, until the school dropped the covenant, now I don't really go to church. War is not cool, but I guess it doesn't matter, as long as I don't have to go to boot camp.
I'm a Tiger.

I go to A&M Corpus cause my parents made me go to school or I just wanted to be by the beach to surf. I work, surf, and go to school full time which to me is about 9 hours. I'm going to be a professional surfer one day. I guess I'm really not that good, after all, how hard can it be to surf wimpy Gulf waves? Our campus is on an island and we got some sports, but no football, so to the rest of Texas we're pretty much useless. I heard we have like 2 frats but I've never heard anything about them. I'm on campus for 2 hours a day and then I hit the beach, I'm on the 6 year plan and i hope to one day get a degree, as long as it doesn't get in the way of my surfing.
I'm an Islander.

I go to UTA where we have a marching band, cheerleaders and drill team but no football team. We had one at some point and built them a really nice stadium but they sucked so much we just got rid of them but kept the half-time show. The only thing we're good at is engineering so Asians outnumber everyone else 3-1. This is the last resort for most Arlington students so my classmates are either Asian or too drunk to come to class. Since we don't have a football team (or any decent sports teams for that matter) we don't even have a mascot. Actually we do, it's the Maverick, but there's still no football team. In Texas, that doesn't cut it.
I am a Maverick!

I go to a university smaller than your high school. Despite what you may have heard about Catholics, we are freaks. I have never met so many pot heads in my life. We wake up high, we go to class high, and we go to sleep high. If we aren't high we are drunk or rolling. I drink more beer than water. My saving grace is the toilet. I blackout for extended periods of time several nights a week. My friends tell me the next day about the striptease I did at the party the night before that I can't remember. I think of cigarettes, coffee, Cheetos and ramen noodles as being the new food groups. We are spoiled brats. Our mascot is the Rattler but we don't really care because we don't even have a football team. Oh yeah, and our school is in San Antonio. I bet you didn't know that.
I am a Rattler.

I thought I was cool at my high school and I drive either a broken down POS or a really nice car that my parents still pay for. I live at home while I earn a decent allowance. I have a dead end job that will most likely take me nowhere while taking 6 remedial courses. I just learned how to read and will end up a manager at the local McDonald's. I aspire to transfer and leave this hellhole to be something I can only dream about. Most likely I will become a drunk at Tech, a walking STD at SFA, or a nerd playing Dungeons and Dragons at UTA.
I am a Turtle.

I go to Southwestern University, NOT Southwest Texas State, as I have said every day since I applied. I am in debt up to my eyeballs to pay off all the loans I had to take out to go here. My school has the 3rd highest workload in the nation, and we probably have the largest proportion of 5th year seniors! The administration pretends the Cove is cool and the place to be, although the only thing cool to do at SU is leave campus on the weekends. In fact, I go somewhere every weekend because campus is so quiet that you could drop your gas card and hear it in the Cullen Building. I am constantly surrounded by white people and get really excited when I'm lucky enough to sight someone of a different skin tone, because that means I am diverisfied. If I'm female I don't have a boyfriend, because my school is about 80% female. If I'm male, I'm in heaven! I wish I went to UT where they have a football team and sports other than Ultimate frisbee. Not to mention a town that actually knows their college exists! I live in a town full of uber conservative old farts and soccer moms.
I am a Buc/Pirate...

I live in a city next to the snobbiest part of Dallas. I actually don't live in Dallas. We should be called the University of Texas at Richardson. We lack a football team, but we DO have the ..1 Chess team in the nation! Greek houses? You gotta be kidding me. I was a Computer Science major, but then I hate programming, only playing Counterstrike. Now I am a Business major. But wait I hate accounting. Now I am a (insert easy major) major. I avert my eyes away from people because I am scared of social interaction. If you say hi to me chances are I don't speaka English. I hate Waterview so much I made a website called Waterview Sux and I moderate it. Don't ask me to participate in anything or go to parties, I am a bum and a nerd. I play on the wireless network and try and crack it. I never leave my apartment because I have no social life. I live in a dry county, so fraternities and sororities are screwed. Parties here get busted faster than you can say paper thin walls. We have to recruit high school girls because the girls that go to UTD are either Indian, introverts, whores, or have long distance boyfriends. I drive my Beamer around and blast loud crappy music. I hate Asian girls named Diana. What is that smell...curry?. We used to be the Comets, but we were told to change our name because the Special Olympics mascot is the Comets. I am a TEMOC...err nerd.
I am a nerd.

We live on an island that we share with a sulfur plant and invincible mosquitoes the size of small birds. It's the college you go to when you don't make it into College Station the first time or you want to be a "Marbbie." Where the end of freshman year marks a lot of transfers to Aggieland or at least getting out of MARB. Market Place, Bucks, East Beach, or the levy is where everyone can be found on the weekend (or a dorm lobby during the week). If you don't know someone's name you recognize their face because we're about the size of a 3A high school. It's the only other A&M college that you receive an Aggie Ring and a diploma that's actually from College Station (and were DAMN proud of it too)! Don't try to tell us we're not Aggies, we bleed maroon.
I am a Sea Aggie!

While the school itself may have its perks, there really is no point to living here, much less attending here. This school, in a small town surrounded by flat land and cotton fields, is not your ideal residency for 4 years. Don't be fooled by the occasional tree, this town is on a constant drought watch, and is in the flood zone, when it's time for the seasonal one hour rainstorm. It's dry, dusty, and everything here seems to be the colors dusty brown or that reddish orange... CLAY color. While it may be part of the Texas State University system, there's not much about San Angelo that you'd like to say is actually in Texas. With the RAMS as their oh-so-original mascot, and varying "champion" titles that are spaced every couple of years, this school is nothing special. But if you feel the need for lots of drinking on nights and weekends, and the occasional tractor ride, or interning at the nearest cotton farm, this place is all for you.
I am a Ram.

I live in a town that is just big enough to have an American Eagle Outfitters but too small to have much else. Wichita Falls' claim to fame is being the most statistically normal city in the United States. To put it mildly, it's the only pitstop from Dallas to Oklahoma City. At Christmastime, we spend more money lighting a Christmas display than most people pay for a car. The bass line from "Shake your Tailfeather" is our school's main tribal yell. If you're not at Grahm's on Thursday through Saturday night, who are you, anyway? The facilities are deteriorating, but the programs are good (read: cheap). Our marching band sucks, but nobody cares because we only graduate about 8 music majors every 10 years or so. All we know here is hockey, Grahm's and how much we hate this town.
I am an Indian.

I live in a town that glorifies Aggies and all I want in life is to be one myself. Instead, I am a Buccaneer at Blinn that claims to be an Aggie at heart. I party at A&M, my friends that I followed to College Station go to A&M, and I attend all the A&M games, but my lack of intelligence and motivation has hindered me in officially joining the cult of A&M. Even though the town we live in is uber-conservative, we all know that everyone here is a closet freak. I have a Confederate Flag on the back of my pickup truck along with a gun rack so as to make sure that I am not labeled "queer." Too bad I will probably just transfer to a community college in my hometown after I have finished the first two years here at Blinn.
I am an Aggie, er, Buccaneer.

Sul Ross is in Alpine, Texas. It's the high school on the hill. The town is small, backwards and isolated - so are the school and the students. There's a reason it's all isolated. We get drunk and high and fornicate, sometimes with farm animals. Sometimes that's an upgrade. The men wear Wranglers and snuff cans. The women wear sprayed-on Wranglers and snuff cans, and this makes dating confusing. A Sul Ross man never loses his girl; he just loses his turn. A bunch of us are Anglos, but we all think we're Mexican. We're called the Lobos. That's an endangered species. It mainly lives in Mexico. It fits.
I am a Lobo.

I live in the fourth biggest city in the country, yet I can go weeks without leaving campus. Even when I do leave, it takes 30 minutes to go get gas, and an hour to move a mile on the 45 or the 59. I was either a dork in high school and am still a dork, or I was a dork in high school and now i pretend to be cool. If asked where I'm from, I respond with my college and not my hometown. To relieve stress I run around campus naked twice a month. If I go to the library at midnight, there's a good chance I might not be able to find a free computer, in which case I can always just go to the pub. The pub is heaven on earth. I worship the baseball team, play drinking games in class, and firmly believe that Martel is not a college. I was a pre-med until orgo made me its two semester bitch, now i'm an academ. Beer bike is the biggest event of the year, yet 90% of people pass out before the races even begin. I think it's cool to cuss at the top of my lungs and call it a cheer. Even drunk or stoned, I'm still smarter than you.
I am an Owl.

I live in a town with Mexicans and Hispanics...and Mexicans. I go to school here because I was either too stupid or too poor to attend a real college. We have parking lots that rival the acerage of Rhode Island, and our designers have yet to discover the amazing structural technology called a parking garage. Our scenery is nonexistent, except for the downtown campus, which has a lovely view of the jail and a police substation. Everyone commutes, and honestly, The University of Phoenix Online has more social interaction among the students than we do.
I am a Roadrunner.

Texas Lutheran University
I am not a Lutheran but I go to chapel. My school is in Seguin but if you aren’t from around here I’ll tell you it’s in San Antonio. Our town is overly proud of its world’s largest pecan for reasons we cannot comprehend. There are more dollar stores in this town than there are reasons to live here. I drink beer 8 nights a week. I go to Mexico twice a month, and Texas country music is the best thing I’ve ever heard. I think a Copenhagen can is a form of currency. I drive a huge jacked up truck that my dad payed for. I used to play football but I quit because it got in the way of my drinking habit. I would go to the football games but I’m not quite sure where Seguin High School Football Stadium is located. But I will skip my last class on Friday to get warmed up for the ultimate Frisbee game. On a daily basis I see more unattractive people than you will ever see in your lifetime. If I am a hot girl, I either have a boyfriend or think I am better than anyone else because where I come from I’m average and here I’m a goddess. Taco Cabana and Cici’s are my second home. Our fraternities and sororities are not national but we throw parties that are almost always off the hook. But don’t call us a made up fraternity in front of us, we take it very personally. I love tubing the Guadalupe River and pretending I go to Texas State. I don’t smoke pot, but I will if you have some. I can drink more beer than you can.
I am a Bulldog.

University of Texas Pan American
If you live at least 15 miles north of the Rio Grande Valley, you have not heard of UTPA. You probably aren't even sure what the Rio Grande Valley is. I live in a dirty city that isn't really a city surrounded by dozens of other dirty cities that aren't really cities, either - except one of them has a Starbucks (inside a book store). Over 75% of us opted to stay home well into our 20s rather than leave the comfort zone that is one's high school graduating class. They're all here too. Some good news though: We're the smart, intellectual ones. Not like the slackers at STCC. So it's open admission - at least we have the phrase "University of Texas" in our name. We are Mexican. Many of us from are Mexico. If you aren't Mexican, then ... what? ...who? Alot of us claim Spanish as a first language, which explains the heinous grammar and spelling infecting the campus newspaper. We party, screw, drink, and wear lime green tube tops to Sunday mass. Here, the rest of the word is uncharted land. (It's much too scary out there.) Also known as TacoTech -
I am a sheltered Bronc.

College of the Mainland
If you live in Texas City, Galveston, Dickinson, Santa Fe, La Marque, or any other surrounding cities...and you're cheap with a 1.0 go to COM. Over 75% of the population are in, or right out of, high school. If you're older than that, then you realized, "Hey, I need a degree to make money!" and you decided to go back after 16 years. You don't even have to attend class to make an A. The only thing we have close to Greek life is Phi Theta Kappa, which is a glorified 2-year NHS. On the weekends, you can find us at other colleges drinking it up with people we know that actually wanted to spend money for college. We're not all stupid, we're just cheap. And seeing a dead duck on the side of the road is a common thing. You are a mighty duck. Quack, quack, quack!

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